Since I last wrote I visited a resident at an adolescent psychiatric hospital, picked up a second resident from another hospital/respite center, played a silly game of truth or dare with my community, struggled with simplicity, and enjoyed a very ‘touching’ spirituality night. I also celebrated my birthday, Jess’ birthday, interviewed for Hunter College, and went to my first theater event (of the year). I even got sick for the first time this year.

The psych hospital was surprisingly nice – it’s on a property overlooking the Hudson that used to be a vacation spot, so it’s got some old charm to it. Except that when you get inside everything is sterile but dingy at the same time, every piece of furniture is secured to the ground, and you (and all of your belongings) need a pat down to get past the front door. We visited a resident who was pretty difficult while in our care, but was so silly you just had to love her. It was really sad to see her there – she was so over-medicated that she was having trouble stringing words together. Even in that condition she is still managing to pick enough fights to need physical restraint weekly or more. As a result she’ll soon be sent to a state psych hospital to become a ward of the state indefinitely. It’s a really sad story. The other resident I picked up will hopefully have a better outcome.

For one of my favorite community nights in a long time we played truth or dare.. it was both enlightening and hilarious. I wish I could say more, but the oath of secrecy is binding. A recent spirituality night I enjoyed involved giving a partner a long massage.. while they lied on their back. It was a cool twist on a massage and required quite a bit of trust. As the weather gets nicer I’m finding that I struggle more and more with simplicity.. I have a trip to Miami around the corner I want to look cute for, the weather is warming up which makes snacking outside oh-so-tempting and walking store-to-store for shopping a pleasant experience, and I’m kinda just getting tired of feeling poor all the time. My strategy for now is finding joy in simple purchases, like $5 flowers on the street. It helps bring the spring inside and lets me feel like I’m indulging in life just a little.

I had a really nice birthday weekend and had some of my favorite people come to visit: Dave, Twig, Kim and Erin. We went out on Friday and spent the rest of the weekend recovering, but we had some good food and a good time just catching up and hanging out. Jess’ birthday involved lots of dancing… first at a club with her ‘other’ friends and then at the Brooklyn Museum’s Native American themed party on Saturday. We went with her mom.

I’ve been doing a lot of work to reframe the way I think about my job and the girls. It’s been really helpful, and (I think) I’ve been taking work home with me less and less. This is nothing short of awesome, because when you’re not stuck in mope-ville worrying about what she’s doing right now, or how could a father do something like that to his daughter 24/7 there’s a surprising amount of room in your life to have fun. That’s not to say that I don’t still worry about some of the residents and it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t care about them, but I think I’m learning a healthy perspective on how to do this work and like my own life, too.

So what have I been doing with my new and improved fun-loving self, you ask? Last weekend all of us GSV’ers went on our Social Justice/Simplicity retreat in Wikitunk, followed by a super bowl party with some nuns. Beer, gambling, Black Eyed Peas.. not bad. This week our community night involved staying in and paying Cranium (my team won!), and last night some of us went out for Thai and rented some movies. Today I went skiing with Lar and had a wonderfully silly time. I even restarted my cooking/baking group on Fridays at work. With my birthday, Miami and then spring on the way, I think things can only go up.

My work stresses are mainly that many of the residents’ situations are worsening. In my first two shifts this week I had to help deescalate two different police situations with the same violent resident. In addition a resident with real promise has left due to a pregnancy, another returned to our care after a failed trail discharge to her family, residents are dating gang members 10 years older than them, hitting near bottom with addictions… and I still do not receive constant supervision. This is all on top of the typical daily stresses they encounter or cause, and I can’t even count how many times I get cursed out on any given day.

I am also expereincing some significant financial stress, as my wonderful credit union from home has decided that no matter what they do not offer deferment on student loans, and guess who’s is due, despite their $200 a month income?!@#! You got it. This guy’s. I’m also waiting on several hundred dollars in health insurance reimbursements… oy.YAYYYY simplicity!!!

Community seems to be going a bit better, and my roommate Alaina led an awesome community night this week. Picture half first date, half game show. It was a really good time.

And as for spirituality… ask me again next month?

In other GSV news, I was lucky enough to attend a UN conference with fellow volunteer Kylie from Wash Heights. We learned about the UN, health and education, and the millennium goals, and even meet Nicholas Kristof, author of Half the Sky. This book was the inspiration for my McGill statement of purpose, and if I attend there it will be the inspiration of my research! (Speaking of which, both of my applications have been submitted!) There was also a former volunteers panel last night that was both informative and inspirational. These type of events are the ones that help to remind me of why I chose to be a volunteer, and what I am passionate about within social work. We will be having our next GSV retreat next weekend, and I’m hoping for another great experience. But before that, Albany tomorrow!

Despite the last two months being a low point for me, they have yielded several positive consequences: I started seeing an art therapist, which I have been curious about looking into for some time, and I am getting better about speaking up for my needs at work and at keeping my mouth shut at home.

After meeting with some helpful people and having a hot second off from work, I realized that the things driving me most crazy about my job are things that are totally fixable. I need supervision, a regular schedule, and to not work a million hours of overtime every week. I spoke to my supervisor, got my schedule changed back to almost-normal, had a supervision session, and have another scheduled for next week. Thanks in part to my new plans after work and my new consciousness of saying no, I’ve begun to leave work closer to on-time every day, and didn’t work ANY over time this last week! (It was only a three day week for me, but that’s still an improvement). The girls I work with will not change, but hopefully these changes will help to make the work with them that much more manageable.

In other news, I finished my application to Hunter today and the McGill application is due in exactly one week, so I’m almost finished! That will be another load off my back, and I’m looking forward to it.

Aaaand a party shot from New Year’s Eve:

Happy New Year everyone!

This past week the girls on one of the floors had two separate incidents this week that can only be described as riots. They were targeting the staff, 4 of whom were sent to the hospital as a result. I believe that 5 of the girls have been arrested and are awaiting arraignment. Three of the staff who were hospitalized were supervisors, who usually command more respect from the girls. The building director, who usually works in our “corporate headquarters” has been in our building, and we are getting support staff from NSD facilities (glorified prisons, where the staff readily restrains and tranquilizes residents if they get out of control) to come support the floor as a result. More security measures are still on their way.

These incidents did not happen on my floor, but I still found them traumatizing. Hearing the screams from the residents and the staff as they are attacked makes your stomach jump out of your body and then plummet to the floor, over and over again. The staff came up to my floor to debrief together, and hearing every version of the story multiple times was like reliving a tragedy I partially experienced repeatedly for hours. Needless to say, it was a hard week at work.

To help get me (and my roommates) through this we have been discussing the events together after work, and trying to engage in as much light-hearted fun as possible. With out larger community we bought the newest addition to our apartment, a beautiful Christmas tree we have fondly dubbed Gabriel (after the man who sold it to us). We also have an ice skating trip planned for this week at Bryant Park, hosted by GSV. I have also decided to make an appointment with an art therapist. Therapy is new to me, and I look forward to being able to sort out what this year means to me, and to gain experience in a therapeutic experience that I can use in my future career as a social worker. On the weekends I have been focusing on doing things I need to do as well as enjoy simple pleasures, like going out for coffee and getting my nails done. So, for now my friends, I am off for a manicure!

Two weekends ago, six of us GSVs (Alaina, me, Jess, Annie, Krystina, Madeline) road tripped down to Georgia to protest the School of the Americas. For weeks, we had planned and fundraised in order to go. In a nutshell, we decided to go to open our eyes to social justice issues outside of our NYC GSV experience. I don’t want this entry to be unbearably long, so I’ll direct you to the SOA Watch website for an explanation of what SOA is and why exactly we were protesting it: http://www.soaw.org/. But if you have any questions, feel free to ask!

So on the Friday our trip began, we six women loaded up our minivan (generously provided by our GSV program director Pete and fondly christened Darlene) and settled into our bucket seats, mentally preparing ourselves for the approximately eighteen hour drive. It didn’t disappoint. We rotated drivers, each of us driving at least once both ways, made a few wrong turns, sang to pop songs at the top of our lungs, guzzled coffee, played games, used sketchy gas station bathrooms, cheered when we crossed state lines, and snacked like there was no tomorrow (Oreos were a general fave).

Being in a van together for about forty hours over the course of the weekend (not to mention, cramped into a tiny two-bed Motel 6 room Saturday night) wasn’t exactly a soothing cup of tea the entire time. Deliriousness, crankiness, and exhaustion definitely arose. But at the same time, being in a van together as GSVs elicited good conversations, great bonding opportunities, and plain and simple fun. I couldn’t have picked a better group of women with whom to travel and share the SOA protest experience.

Let’s talk about that SOA protest experience. Now this protest wasn’t a door-banging, shouting-til-you’re-hoarse kind of protest. It was a non-violent movement. It involved awareness-raising events, a rally, and a vigil. The protest was about peacefully bringing attention to the SOA and peacefully demanding for the end of the institution.

I thought a lot about peace. Alaina used a tote bag all weekend, emblazoned with Mother Teresa’s beautiful words: “If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” As a GSV and as someone who has chosen to work for social justice, I think a lot about this idea of belonging to each other. I’m understanding more and more how we are all tied up in each other’s lives. We have responsibilities to each other. And so that inevitably makes me think about the idea of “doing good.” Yes, we must serve each other, but in what capacities? How can I best use my gifts for the good of this world, so that they build and not destroy? At the same time, what can a couple thousand privileged Americans do by being at the gates of SOA?

The answer is create peace. Through the weekend, I realized that we can raise awareness, educate ourselves, and send a message of peace out into the world. We so often forget that we belong to each other. I myself sometimes look for peace as if I could pick it off of a store shelf. I wonder whether to talk to a friend, or go for a run, or journal in order to find peace. But at the end of the day, peace is solidarity. Peace isn’t a one-woman show.

At the beginning of the year at GSV orientation, we each wrote out a mission statement for ourselves. I adopted a quote from St. Mary Euphrasia (foundress of the Good Shepherd Sisters) that says, “Live in peace, unity, zeal, and trust.” I threw in “Just love” (the GSV motto) for good measure. I have tried to focus on the different aspects of that invitation in the last several months. It’s challenging. But during the SOA weekend, I began to see it in a new light. Peace is unity is zeal is trust is love. There’s a hippie saying: peace is underrated. And I’m starting to believe that. Peace isn’t the easy way out. Peace somehow has become hard work. We witnessed that at the protest, through the remembrance of those who lost their lives because they had no peace.

In the short time that we were at the SOA protest (less time than we spent on the road), we witnessed and experienced a connection to our neighbors in Latin America suffering the atrocities inflicted by SOA graduates. We couldn’t see these victims. We couldn’t hear them. But we could feel them. During the Sunday vigil, the main event of the weekend, we carried white crosses individually marked with names of victims. As singers beautifully chanted these names, we lifted those crosses into the air and solemnly responded, “Presente.” We did this for almost three hours. I felt like we were processing in the presence of those remembered. It was a very prayerful and moving experience for me.

Most victims were named. Others were not. Some crosses and chants merely proclaimed recognitions such as, “Unidentified woman, 30 years old” or “Unidentified child, 5 years old.” The word “unidentified” pulled at my heart strings. As a recent college grad, as a transplant from LA to NYC, as a volunteer and community member, my identity has been in a constant state of flux. In many ways, figuring out my identity has been my life’s work so far. I have the beautiful gift of discovering and rejoicing in my identity. Those “unidentified” persons no longer do. For violent reasons.

So, peace. Towards the end of the vigil, we had the amazing opportunity to see activists cross the line. Crossing the line means scaling the barbed wire fence surrounding the SOA and immediately receiving at least three to four months in federal prison for doing so. Two activists crossed the line on Sunday. I saw the second man, David, climb up the fence. He did so very calmly and quietly, before the throngs of people already congregating at the fence cheering and chanting his name. In an instant, he was on the other side. There were military guards waiting and they calmly took him away. I’m sure David had been preparing for that moment for months prior. It almost seemed anti-climactic. He didn’t scramble up the gate and fling himself over. He didn’t break into a run once hitting ground. The guards didn’t hustle him. It was peaceful.

David and the others who crossed the line now have a six month sentence. These activists peacefully have given up six months of their lives in the protest against the SOA. They have found the cause worth enough to give up their freedom. That is enough to make a person like me cry. And it was weird. I wasn’t expecting to, but as soon as I saw David climbing that fence, I started to cry. Something in me was moved, but utterly helpless. I could do nothing. All I could do was stand there and witness.

After the vigil, there was a celebration with music and dancing, a parade and puppetistas, and vendors and food. It was so life-giving. Krystina, Jess, and Madeline somehow ended up holding a banner in the parade. Annie spotted two former GSVs. A couple of us saw friends who had also made the trip from far away and got to catch up. We made new friends. Everyone was so welcoming and energetic. Even after the heavy stuff, we couldn’t help but smile and laugh together. And I guess that’s peace, too! Peace is also a celebration in gratitude. For people, for solidarity, for love.

With that, I think I’ll simply bring this entry to a close. I’m sure I will continue to discover new lessons from our weekend in Georgia. But for now, thank you for reading this and sharing in our experience.

Peace friends,
Lara

Lets start with the awesomeness. I lo-lo-lo-LOVE NYC on the weekends. Dave came for a visit one weekend and we explored Queens together, and last weekend I did a podcast walking tour of the LES, visited the tenement museum, went shopping on 5th ave, went to a 1700′s Rococo party.. so much goodness. All of this was done on the super-cheap, and definitely within my simplicity budget. Some highlights:

And the less awesome:

I’ve had some really long days these last two weeks. There has been a lot of drama at work, which is to be expected to some extent, but it seems to be growing between the staff as well. I’m sure it will die down soon, but for now it makes for some stressful days. I’ve also been doing one-to-one with some frequency. One-to-one is basically suicide watch, and its been the same resident for about a month now. I think she’s a wonderful girl but some recent trauma is bogging her down. It’s really exhausting to listen to a young girl talk about suicide for hours at a time. It’s also really scary if you think she might follow through with her talk while you’re watching her. On another level it makes me think of the many ways the social system has failed her (and many of the other girls), which only adds to the element of hopelessness.

On a less dark note it’s application time. I’ve visited three schools now, and have decided to apply to two. I also attended a grad school workshop this week. These events only add more hours to an already exhausting day. I’m excited by the prospect of attending an awesome school next year and having my master’s by the end of the year, but just thinking about my personal statement makes me want to take a nap! ..or watch tv, or eat ice cream, or pluck out my eyeballs, or…

Anyhoozle, SoA is this weekend, and then next week I’ll be off to Albany for Thanksgiving! I’m really psyched for the break. Photos and much, much more about SoA to come. In the meantime, check out http://www.soaw.org/.

50 Reasons to Be Pretty Damn Euphoric You Live in New York City

Sometimes life seems hard here — the crowds, the expense, the 24-hour-living-and-working lifestyle…But then there are days, like yesterday, when we’re ever so glad we live in New York City. Like when much of the rest of the nation goes a reddish color of Tea Party, and we stick to coffee and stay (largely) blue. Like when Andrew Cuomo wins against Carl Paladino. And like when the Aeropostale at Times Square institutes an “AERO Dance Cam” to keep the young folks away from the East Village on weekends and allow us to mock them via the Internet…

Here are 50 other reasons to be blissfully happy that you live in New York City today — and every day — that you live here. May it be a very long time. Unless you want to leave, in which case, get the fuck out, and can we have your apartment?

50. Sending your laundry out for someone else to wash and dry it is not only convenient, it’s just good business. Especially since you will probably never own a washer and dryer. Which means you never have to feel guilty about not doing your own laundry. Next.

49. Drinking coffee four times a day, every day, isn’t the exception, it’s the rule.

48. The secret Chick Fil-A at the NYU dining hall.

47. There is always someone crazier than you. ALWAYS.

46. The view from the Brooklyn Bridge.

45. The view of the Brooklyn Bridge.

44. The epic feeling you get running to catch a train and succeeding…just before the doors close.

43. Bored to Death. 30 Rock. SNL. And a million other things that film here and we love. RIP Law and Order.

42. Manhattan-Brooklyn/Brooklyn-Manhattan wars never cease to entertain. Nor do hipster-Hasid wars. Or hipsters in general.

41. We get the inside jokes. Because, actually, we made them up in the first place.

40. That horrified look on our parents’ friends’ faces when we tell them we live in “Hell’s Kitchen.”

39. Sure, we work out next to Alec Baldwin, Padma Lakshmi, and Bridget Moynahan, and walk the streets with Willem Dafoe, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Tina Fey, but, really, we’re kinda too busy with our own lives to notice.

38. Drinking is like breathing. Or slightly more acceptable.

37. Because it’s not enough to just love New York. New York needs to love you back, too. Hey, we have high standards.

36. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, there is someone who will bring it to you for a price, which may or may not be negotiable. (Or legal.)

35. By the time the rest of the nation has bedbugs, we’ll have figured out how to get rid of them. In the meantime, we’ll mock them by dressing our dogs up as bedbugs for Halloween. Laugh in the face of fear, New Yorker!

34. There are almost 200 bars in the East Village alone.

33. There’s no shortage of stupid rich people to make fun of.

32. The endless delights of the New York Post.

31. You don’t even need a passport, or a license, to partake in goat-eyeball tacos.

30. The fact that one-bedroom apartments cost an average minimum of a half-million dollars means we think nothing of spending $12 on lunch.

29. Restaurants are as common as single men and women. And equally diverse. And you never have to see either of them again after the initial awkward encounter.

28. The omnipresent opportunity to Gaga-ify yourself. And the chance that it will seem, just, normal.

27. Runnin’ Scared lives here! (And so does the Village Voice.)

26. Smart people are the norm, not the exception. (Which doesn’t mean they’re sane, but at least no one’s boring.)

25. Except in select ‘hoods like Park Slope and perhaps the Upper West Side, children are viewed as mysterious beings, rarely sighted and only occasionally understood, like pixies or magical small butlers. Until they scream, in which case, they are banished from the palace.

24. When you fly back into the city after a vacation or business trip, no matter how long you’ve lived here, you get that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling.

23. Efficiency in a drugstore checkout line.

22. How easy it is to find doughnuts, pizza, Chinese food, or any other snack your drunken self desires at 4 a.m. Or to continue to drink. Responsibly!

21. Broadway. Museums. CULTCH-AH. Even if you never actually go to see anything (though you should, at least once).

20. Yelling “fuck” is just a mild obscenity.

19. There’s no shame in sticking your fingers in your ears like an anal weirdo when an ambulance goes by screeching.

18. Summer concerts at the Williamsburg Waterfront.

17. So many Missed Connections, so little time.

16. Other places have dog and cat people. We have ferret people.

15. The splendor of the Union Square Greenmarket.

14. A bagel with cream cheese and lox from Russ and Daughters.

13. There is an insane Korean day spa (Spa Castle) waiting for you in Flushing. And Russian and Turkish baths in the East Village.

12. One of our bars has 100-year-old urinals.

11. Complain about the MTA, but you can get anywhere in the city for just $2.25. Or $2.50 single ride, come 2011. Still pretty damn cheap.

10. Subway rage. Bike-lane rage. Walking rage. Random rage. These are our therapy. Although we all go to therapy, too. No judgments! We bitch, therefore we are.

9. Jaywalking is an art form.

8. The free Ikea ferry to Red Hook on weekends! Plus, Red Hook in general. Can you say “Lobster pound”?

7. Subway “prewalking,” in which you walk to the exact right spot on the platform to board the train car that will save you the most time upon exit, exists and has a name. Gotta respect.

6. You can be alone, but never feel lonely. And vice versa. But if you die and aren’t found until a year later, you won’t be the first.

5. We are, as a group, anti-fanny-pack as much as we are pro-gay-marriage. Hetero marriage, on the other hand, we can pretty much take or leave.

4. 35 is the new 26. Or is it 45? Whatever, age ain’t nuthin’ but a number, and as long as you’re younger than your IQ score, no harm, no foul.

3. Finding your “local” is that much better here.

2. There is absolutely no reason to ever drink and drive. Added bonus: Spontaneous, fascinating conversations with cab drivers.

1. If you can make it here, you really can make it anywhere. But why would you bother to go anywhere else?

(Taken from the Village Voice).

Mostly it’s exhausting. I work a 40 hour week (officially), but I often put in extra time. Each hour is incredibly demanding emotionally and psychologically. The stories of my girls’ pasts are each horrific, and that leads to many problems on the floor, including drug abuse, prostitution, and a lack of direction/goals for the future. Many of the girls have very low self-esteem and struggle to get along with each other, depending on the day. Today alone I was dealing with girls in a tiff over $20 missing (one girl suspects the other of theft), and now each side is rallying a group of supporters and the tension is building to the point that I feel a classic Jets vs. Sharks rumble is coming. One girl is working the local projects with the hopes of getting pregnant. One had a criminal case today because she beat up her previous care taker in an extreme way (and she is now threatening to jump me). One girl is staying on our floor from downstairs on respite because she was jumped there last night. Two of our girls are in respite downstairs and are being threatened as well. Several are recently returned from rehab, and several others are self-medicating on a daily basis. Other girls are simply refusing to get up and go to school, which leaves us as an agency susceptible to penalties for educational neglect of the girls. This was just what happened today.

Working in this environment offers me incredible professional experience, and I really feel like I’m putting my degree to work. I feel challenged every day, and I have supportive staff and supervisors. I also have lots of positive interactions with the girls, and I feel like I am helping them in a small way. That being said, there is no way to make it through days like today without feeling completely drained and overwhelmed.

These feelings are further enhanced by our GSV community and spirituality nights. I enjoy these nights very much, and I feel that my community has grown to be very strong. Nevertheless, after an 8 hour shift sometimes there’s nothing I want to do more than lie in bed and watch TV by myself. Learning to balance my desires with my GSV commitments and community has been a challenge for me these past two weeks. It’s forcing me to reevaluate my self-care habits, and led me to take my first yoga class in 5 years. It went well, and I’m making it a goal to attend 2-3 times per week. I also need to stop buying Starbucks frequently under the guise of self-care.

I’m looking forward to the upcoming holiday season and all of the excitement it will bring, but I am also apprehensive because I know it is a time of frequent crises at work. I’m hopeful, though, that my soon-to-be reduced caffeine intake and attendance at yoga classes will help me to stay balanced and focused as my GSV year continues.

And now, some pictures:

Central Park

Halloween Party

Rally to Restore Sanity/Fear